If your partner likes to go out partying but you don’t, that doesn’t have to be an issue. There are times when it might be a cause for concern and a proper chat is needed, but usually it’s just a case of your partner having a separate interest that they should be allowed to do without any judgement or arguments. In this article we take a look at some of the different scenarios that might be at play here.
You Associate Partying with Hooking Up
Often when somebody worries about their partner going out partying, it’s because they associate partying with hooking up and being irresponsible. If this is you then you should re-assess your associations here. It’s perfectly normal to go out partying for reasons such as enjoying having a dance, catching up with your friends or blowing off steam. It’s even perfectly normal for your partner to want to make new friends and, if you trust them, it shouldn’t be an issue that they do so.
People do hook up at parties, however. But if your partner has told you they will be faithful and you have no reason to think otherwise then you should take them at their word. Men not trusting female partners without due reason is a (sadly) common but very outdated view – if this sounds like you, you should work hard to challenge those views. After all, how would you feel if your partner applied the same to you and accused you of not being faithful for wanting to go out?
Alternatively, you may have reason to distrust your partner, for example if they have cheated on you in the past. If this is the case then “partying” isn’t the issue – trust is. You should work together to figure out if you can overcome those trust issues or if you should break up. It is very unhealthy to proceed in a relationship that has unaddressed trust issues.
Concerned About Their Safety
Being concerned about their safety is a legitimate worry, but still you shouldn’t use it as a means to stop them doing something they wish to do. Women are significantly more likely to be the victim of sexual assault than men (source) and so if you are in a relationship with a woman then it is normal to think about their safety on a night out.
However, concern for their safety shouldn’t be used as an excuse to force them to stay home, to not see their friends or to prevent them from living their lives. If you are genuinely concerned about their safety you should have an open and honest conversation about how you feel with the intention of coming away from it feeling reassured. You may wish to talk about ways they can stay safe whilst partying, such as not accepting drinks from strangers, but be careful not to be patronizing. There is a fine line to tread in such a conversation to make sure it doesn’t sound like you are treating them like a child or like they are stupid. Here is a good example of how you could approach the subject:
“I know this might sound a little silly but I have been feeling a bit worried about your safety at [event] and I just wanted some reassurance that you will be ok. I trust you and wouldn’t ask you not to go, but I hoped you could help ease my mind a little bit that you’re going to be okay.”
Your partner may not be open to this type of conversation which is technically fair, but hopefully they can see that it is coming from a good place (assuming that it is!). Of course, if you are asking them this every single time they go out then that is certainly not ok. But being reasonable with what you’re asking of them is the best way to have a positive and healthy conversation.
You are Different People
If you dislike your partner’s partying behavior because it highlights how different you are as people, then that could be a legitimate concern. Equally, many couples thrive by having different interests so it’s not always an issue. In fact, in many instances it can actually save a relationship to do things separately when your interests diverge rather than forcing you to come along partying with them. Relationships with a significant age gap are also likely to experience this phenomenon, as younger people are much more likely to want to go partying than those who have “been there and done that” so to speak.
It often depends on the type of people you are as to whether or not it’s really an issue. If you are looking for a relationship where you share the majority of your interests with your partner and you don’t feel that you have it in this instance, then that is certainly an important factor to consider in the decision to be together. You can work at a relationship to try to grow your shared interests if you feel this is the case. Of course, that would also entail you taking an interest in what they like to do as well, so if you don’t have the appetite for that then you may wish to move on.
Your partner loving partying may legitimately help you realise that you have too little in common to continue with the relationship, but be careful not to be too hasty. You may be forgetting about a lot of the things you do have in common because this particular one is so notable. They may feel fulfilled by their partying after a year, for example, so consider what else the relationship consists of first and make sure you have an open and honest conversation with them about it.
They Are Being Very Annoying
We’ve all been around wasted people when we are completely sober and boy can they be annoying! They may come home late at night, make lots of noise, bring people back to your shared place or even damage your belongings. If they are not actively making an effort to be considerate to your needs then this is a problem. You should of course make sure to talk to them about their behavior and if they still do not change then you should think about breaking up.
They might also sleep in during the day because they are hungover, and this might be annoying for you if you wanted to spend time with them or if you are taking them to family events for example. Whilst they are of course allowed to have fun and be hungover, if they have made no effort to consider your feelings and what is important to you, even after you have had a talk about it, then it could be a good reason to break up.
The Bottom Line?
The bottom line is trust.
Most of the time it shouldn’t be a problem for your partner to go out partying without you, especially when it’s not something you want to do.
However, if you rule out any trust issues and their behavior is affecting your wellbeing then you need to address that issue as a priority. The first port of call should always be to talk, and it’s certainly possible to overcome these types of problems over the long-term. However, if you make no progress there and you feel that the partying just goes to show how different you are, then that might be a good reason to think about ending the relationship.