If you feel that your partner (wife/husband/spouse) is irresponsible, it can be frustrating and you might feel that you’re “carrying” her in your relationship. You might also be concerned for their health, wellbeing and prospects due to the way that they are acting, so it is perfectly acceptable to be concerned.
There are lots of different scenarios where your partner might be behaving irresponsibly and so the most appropriate course of action depends on the type and severity of issue. In this article we will dig a little deeper into what irresponsibility looks like in a relationship and how to deal with it.
Making Bad Life Decisions
Making bad life decisions can relate to work, education, general prospects or social life. Many people might think their partner is irresponsible because they don’t bother going to work or attending college, or they give up on their prospects too easily.
Sometimes a partner may be propped up by family money or they end up draining you financially and that makes the whole situation more bitter.
If you have never made an agreement that this is the relationship dynamic that you would like (for example being a stay-at-home parent), then you are absolutely right to be concerned. Even if you are not supporting them financially, you may feel that in the future they will unemployable, might have damaged friendships or might not have fulfilled their true potential.
The first step in these situations is always to speak to your partner and let them know how you feel. Of course, it’s unlikely to be an easy conversation to have but it’s important that the end result is a positive commitment to making a change, if that’s what’s really important to you.
It’s not always easy to change, especially if there are additional mental health or addiction problems at play (see below), so you should be patient with them. If you see no change in them over the long term, after having productive conversations with them, this is when you should consider breaking up.
Financially Irresponsible
If your partner is spending recklessly or is generally bad with money, that can be a serious cause for concern. Financial irresponsibility is very different to other types of irresponsibility because it doesn’t have to mean a change in personality. You may not even feel anything different about them as a person but may just feel frustrated that you don’t have enough money for the basics or to save for the future.
On the other hand, your partner could have gambling problems or a shopping addiction which are serious issues. In those instances you should seek professional support or read advice from qualified specialists.
Most relationship issues stem from a different idea of how money should be spent, particularly when you have joint interests such as a property or a family to care for. You should first talk to your partner about your concerns, ensuring that it is clear why you are upset. You should be positive about how you hope that things might change and you can even take proactive steps to help them.
Drawing up a budget together might help to highlight wastage and show how much money could be saved. It may also help them to stick to some simple budgets on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.
You should not insist that you manage your partner’s finances. This can create a power imbalance and can be unhealthy in a relationship. Both of you need your independence, and money is a big part of that. You are also grown adults, so you should not have to treat them like a child. Unless there is a legitimate reason why they cannot handle their own finances, you should be seeking assurances from them that they are taking the situation seriously.
Again, these types of conversations can be difficult to have and you should be patient with your partner. However, if they do not show that they are willing to change and they make no proactive steps towards a solution in the long term, then you should consider breaking up. If you continue then you risk becoming an enabler for their issues.
Keeping on Top of Household Chores
Probably the most common type of immaturity in a relationship is the inability to keep on top of household, day-to-day chores. This can be especially frustrating if you need to pick up the slack while they leave all of their dishes in the sink and mess everywhere.
People have different standards for cleanliness and tidiness and it’s important to match these with your partner in order to make your relationship harmonious. The bare minimum should be hygiene but every other scenario can be negotiated and worked at. If your partner is at least doing their part to ensure that their apartment isn’t infested, dangerous and unhygienic, then you may also need to bring down your expectations to meet somewhere in the middle.
The first step, again, is to talk to them and let them know that it bothers you. If you are not living together then they are technically under no obligation to change, but it would be nice for them to consider you. If you live together then it is more important to reach an agreement.
Consider drawing up a cleaning rota for the most basic regular tasks so that it is fair and structured. For general tasks like cleaning dishes and picking up stuff after yourself, ask politely for improvements and don’t get aggressive with them.
If there are other issues at play such as depression, addiction or even just laziness, try to make tasks less daunting by breaking them up into small chunks or setting a timer for 5 minutes to clean as much as you both can in that time.
Ultimately, unless they have legitimate reasons why they can’t keep on top of normal chores then this is an issue for any adult in a relationship. Again, if they make no attempts at improving themselves despite your patience, you might want to think about breaking up.
Crime & Getting into Trouble
Irresponsibility might mean that your partner is getting into trouble often, committing crime and generally making poor decisions. Some of these issues are best resolved by professionals who can help to rehabilitate a partner, or address anger or mental health issues that might be leading them to commit crimes.
You should try to avoid becoming an enabler or, even worse, an accessory to their crime. If you continue to pick up the pieces whilst they cause trouble for themselves and for you, you may be helping them to continue.
Talking is always a good starting point but do seek professional opinions in these instances, especially if your partner is violent.
Drugs and Alcohol
If your partner is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol then this is a slightly bigger issue than just being “irresponsible”. In fact, addiction is another really serious issue that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Assuming that your partner wants to change, you should seek support and advice from professionals. Be sure to also look after yourself and look out for your own mental health. Being there for a partner at difficult times is tough and can take its toll.
If your partner is out drinking and partying all of the time then you may have trust issues that you need to resolve first and foremost.
Laziness or Lack of Motivation
You may have not been concerned about your partner’s laziness or lack of motivation at the beginning, possibly because all of your time was spent together in bed or watching movies. But as you move towards the next stage of your relationship it can be clear that there is not much else they want to do.
Alternatively you may be dealing with a partner who has recently become lazy or unmotivated, or perhaps you have had to put up with it for a long time and now your patience has waned.
Sometimes these issues can be linked to other issues such as depression or addiction. However, when it is just general laziness then you have a good chance of succeeding by talking, being collaborative and being proactive.
Talk to your partner about why this bothers you and how you would like them to change. You can help them by drawing up plans for the things you want them to do (cleaning, cooking, studying, spending time with children etc.). You can also work with them to get them excited about new paths they could take or hobbies that might motivate them.
Sometimes it can be difficult to get yourself out of a rut, so be patient with your partner as they attempt to do so. If they make no attempt or don’t take on board your comments, you should consider escalating the problem.
Mental Health Issues
It might be a little harsh to call people with mental health issues “irresponsible”. People struggling with mental health problems such as depression, anxiety or ADHD may be less able to perform simple tasks or make sound decisions, but it’s not something that is easily “fixable” like irresponsibility is. So first and foremost you should make sure that you are fair on them, taking into account their other issues.
Secondly you should ensure that you are talking to professionals and seeking advice from authoritative subject matter experts. Mental health issues are complicated, and this article can’t help with that other than to encourage you to use the proper avenues.
Solutions
Throughout this article we have discussed solutions based on individual scenarios. Some of those solutions might be useful for improving your relationship with your “irresponsible” partner more generally, so it’s good to think about some of the following.
Adapt
Sometimes what you view as irresponsible might be too harsh and actually you might need to cut them some slack. Nobody is perfect, and everybody needs to make adjustments in their relationships to keep the peace.
Ideally you are both making adjustments and sacrifices for one another in a relationship, especially when you are living together. If you like to have the dishes done immediately after dinner but they tend to leave them soaking, you could let that happen as long as they definitely do them later.
Similarly, some people get their energy at different times of the day so don’t demand that they work to your schedule but allow them to choose when they do things – as long as they definitely do them.
Set up a Cleaning Rota
A cleaning rota can help bring structure to otherwise unstructured people’s lives. This is most impactful when your biggest issue is your partner not helping with chores, but for general laziness, lack of motivation and even mental health problems, it can be a positive start.
Create a table with your weekly and daily chores in them and divide them up equally. You could even divide up specific jobs based on preference rather than alternating them evenly.
Don’t be an Enabler
When you pick up the slack for a partner who is behaving irresponsibly, you can allow them to form habits where they rely on you for the things they should be doing themselves so that it’s easier for them to be irresponsible. If you are paying off their debts, doing their shopping or cleaning up after them, then you are enabling them to continue with their behaviour. They are much less likely to learn and to grow if they never have to face the consequences of their problems.
Enabling is a difficult concept because if you love somebody you won’t want to see them suffer. However, it’s an important sacrifice you may have to make to help them change.
Talk, Talk, Talk
Talking is absolutely the most important way to overcome issues with a partner. There is no use dwelling on something that is bothering you without even trying to do something about it. In the best case scenario you agree an easy solution. Most of the time it will be a long-term conversation about steps you and your partner can take to tackle the issue.
However, there may be times when your partner does not respond well, and that is when you may have to think seriously about whether the relationship is worth it. If they are unwilling to address the issue and it’s not something that you are prepared to live with for the rest of your life, then conversations need to turn towards alternative solutions.
It is crucial that you approach a conversation calmly and frame it as a discussion rather than an argument. Even though you might feel frustrated, you shouldn’t start a conversation with anger or accusations, this will only make things worse.
Be Patient
You should be very patient with your partner, especially if there are other reasons why they might be behaving irresponsible, such as addiction or mental health problems. You should also be prepared to listen and for the process to take a long time. Change does not happen overnight.
Trying different methods and approaches can also be impactful, as can seeking the advice and support of different sources and people. Of course, make sure to take advice from professionals for medical, mental health or addiction issues.
To summarize – your partner behaving irresponsibly is certainly something to be concerned about but it doesn’t have to be a terminal issue for your relationship. There are lots of different types of irresponsibility and different solutions for each, so make sure to spend time properly working through the issues with them before you decide to take any drastic measures.
