If you’re in a new relationship and your partner is refusing to go public, it can be a blow to your self-esteem. If you simply cannot understand why your partner wants to keep your relationship a secret, try to communicate openly with them to find out the reasons behind their privacy. Then, you can work with them on steps to move forward. By talking about how you feel, you can avoid harming your relationship.
Why would someone want to keep a relationship secret?
Before spiralling out, consider some of the more reasonable possibilities first. Here are some of the most common reasons and how it might affect your approach to the situation.
They’ve Been Hurt Before
One potential reason is that they’ve had a bad time in past relationships. Maybe they’ve been hurt by an ex or recently been dumped. It can be tough to take that step into a whole new relationship – even if they’d otherwise be willing to invest in it.
Luckily for you, in this case, it’s likely all they need is some time. Consider taking things slow for a while to see how the relationship can grow in a more low-key setting.
Friends and Family
This can be a tricky one. If their family has cultural differences, they may not want to go public with someone right away. This is an even bigger challenge if they still live at home. Dealing with unaccepting parents is not easy. So, it makes sense why someone would want to avoid this stress.
Also, they might just have a nosy, or unaccepting friend group. They may just want to see how the relationship is going before introducing you to their friends.
This is another scenario where giving it some time is the best option. See how you both feel in the relationship after some time then you can both decide if you’re willing to go through the challenge of meeting their friends and family.
It’s Still New
Think about how long you’ve been together with your partner. A couple of months? Weeks? Days? Especially if the relationship is brand new there’s no real rush to going public. Even if you want to show off your new boo to the world, accept that they might not be ready for that yet.
Remember there’s no set timeline for things like this. If your partner wants to take things slow, respect their wishes and feel things out for a bit.
They’re Not Out Yet
This only applies to LGBTQ+ relationships, but it is a common struggle in the community.
You may not realize that your partner isn’t out of the closet yet. By going public with you, they would need to take that major step of outing themselves as well. Remember that coming out is different for everyone, and it may be very difficult for them.
This is another case where you need to respect your partner’s wishes if you want to invest in the relationship. You can encourage them to be proud of who they are, before going public about your relationship.
They’re Seeing Other People
It’s important to stress that you shouldn’t think like this unless you have some reason to believe it. Jealousy can ruin a relationship, especially in the early stages.
Maybe you and your partner haven’t set boundaries on monogamy. Then you need to have that conversation right away.
Maybe you have and they are genuinely seeing other people and hiding it from you. Then you need to have that conversation right away.
While getting cheated on is painful, you can do a better job of moving on if it’s out in the open. Bring up your concerns in a non-judgmental way, and have an open conversation from there.
If they aren’t willing to talk with you about not going public, that doesn’t bode well for the relationship as a whole.
How to Bring it Up
As you probably noticed, all the points above have a common theme. They won’t get better if you don’t communicate.
Keeping your thoughts inside is a recipe for disaster in a new relationship. The longer you go without addressing these problems, the more likely it is you’ll start to suspect the worst.
So, tell them how you feel!
Make sure you have enough time together to have a long conversation if necessary. Don’t expect the worst of them, but be prepared for a tough discussion.
If you’re able to work through it, this conversation will only bring you closer. And isn’t that the goal of any relationship?
You may also realize that your partner doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. In this case, you can consider how you feel. Are you alright with a casual relationship, or do you want something more sturdy? However you feel is ok, and only you can make that decision.
Keep in mind that casual relationships can grow into something special. Even if they’re not ready to take that next step, it doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy their company. Remember that it’s not right to force a relationship onto someone if they’re not ready. If they tell you what they want, then you have to respect it.
Of course, you may try to bring this up and your partner will get evasive. While it could be a sign that they’re being unfaithful, it could mean something else and they’re just not good at communicating.
Unfortunately, this is a major problem in a lot of relationships. If your partner isn’t willing to communicate about what’s bothering you, that’s a major red flag for the future and might be worth considering whether to continue the relationship at all.
The Bottom Line…
Whatever reason your partner has for not going public with you, you’ll never know until you ask.
Communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Especially if you’re in a new relationship, this is a great opportunity to talk about how you’re both feeling.
While there’s no reason to spiral, be prepared to have a hard conversation with your partner. With that being said, breaching these tough subjects will only make your relationship stronger.
